Winner of Weekly Hypothetical #1

This was the most tragic image involving the character I could find. Felt Coen appropriate.

The winner of the first weekly hypothetical is Mr. Dan Perea for his Blue Beetle pitch. A story about a man who is denied greatness by the sheer forces of bad luck is the exact tale that the Coen Brothers have been telling from the get go. Buffoonery amongst people trying to master their world only to fail miserably and have things blow up in their face (on occasion literally), if that isn’t a staple in these brilliant filmmakers’ canon, I don’t know what is. Bergamo, your Deadpool pitch was well thought out and reasoned, but ultimately I think Dan nailed a character with Coen flavors and sensibilities best. So you’re up Perea, what’s is the new Weekly Hypothetical?

The Hypothetical:

Superheroes seem to be where it’s at. Everyone sees it. Today they’re considered largely to be one of the closest things to a guaranteed franchise, and therefore a commercial and financial success (For the most part of course, I saw Jonah Hex and Catwoman too people). Over the years, these superheroes have attracted highly lauded filmmakers, such as Bryan Singer with X-Men, Sam Raimi with Spiderman, Chris Nolan with Batman, and most recently Darren Aronofsky with (The…)Wolverine, who use the success gained from these movies to make more personal projects easier to finance in the future. Now the Coen Brothers want in. They’ve enjoyed years of making critically lauded films, but now they want the big money. Naturally, studios are jumping over themselves, throwing properties and offers at them left and right. The world is essentially their oyster. SO. Your job for this week is to pitch me a Coen Brother’s superhero franchise. And be creative with it. Don’t just give me, “Uhh…SUPERMAN!” Why Superman (if that)? Give me a character the brothers Coen would genuinely want to bring to the silver screen and why. You have your assignment. Dazzle me.

The Winning Entry:

The Blue Beetle, also known as Dr. Daniel Garrett, achieved his powers from a mystical scarab amulet found in the tomb of the Pharaoh Kha-ef-re. When he uttered the words “Kaji Dha,” he was granted superpowers, the ability to fly, superstrength, and the ability to shoot energy from his fingertips. Donning chain-mail armor impervious to bullets, Garrett called himself the Blue Beetle.

This is not the film the Coen Brothers would direct.

Rather, the dynamic duo would focus their attention on the story of the SECOND Blue Beetle, Ted Kord, an archaeology student studying under Garrett. Garrett, now in old age, attempts to give the mystical amulet to his colleague and protégé to carry on his legacy , but before he can, he and the amulet are buried by piles of rubble on Pago Island, and he dies. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. Ted decides to use his inventiveness to become the second Blue Beetle despite having no amulet. He trains himself in several fighting styles, and develops an arsenal of non-lethal weapons. He has no superpowers, and has to constantly work hard to keep himself in shape.

This is the perfect superhero movie for the Coen brothers for a number of reasons.
Firstly, the Coens never veer far from the world of realism. Any superhero that they decide to take on, I personally feel, would have to maintain some realism. Make it a movie about regular people who need to work out and stay fit to remain superheros. My second argument: Absurdism. The Coens LOVE that shit! And I feel like they would love dealing with a hero who is grappling with the fact that he SHOULD have had superpowers, but doesn’t and has to continue anyways. Third, Michael Stuhlbarg is perfect for this part. Plain and simple.

For Your Consideration: The Blue Beetle, directed by the Coen Brothers.

– Matt Stryker

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About The Cloffice Staff

In the summer of 2008, a group of men met in a closet with a lone computer situated in the corner, determined to have their voices heard on a global scale. Today they come to you, presenting their humble opinions on all things all, with the vague goal of entertaining the masses. This...is their byproduct.
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